I’ve always heard that middle age for a woman can be a wild ride. I witnessed my mom quietly struggle, and I’ve heard the general notions of how menopause is a bitch. And yet, at 45 years old, as I slowly but steadily get deeper in the trenches, I find myself completely caught off guard by the severity and complexity of this life transition.
While this website, on the surface, is about full-time RV travel and unconventional living, at its core, it’s about finding peace and joy in a chaotic and confusing world. And so, with that, I want to talk about menopause—something 50% of the world’s population will experience. To the men out there who may think this essay isn’t for them: if you have a woman in your life whom you love, consider sticking around.
Before I go any further with this essay that may feel completely out of the blue, allow me to explain why I decided to write about this. For too long, I think women have been expected to suffer silently. At the same time, spouses and kids are dragged along for the ride, with no one really able to understand what’s happening and why. It pains me to think of how common it must be for marriages to fall apart, careers to collapse, and quality of life to plummet while women either consciously or unconsciously try to survive the ride that is perimenopause and menopause. (The fact that my spell-checker doesn’t even recognize perimenopause as a word drives the point home that this is hardly talked about enough.)
It’s important to me to point out the fact that I’m the furthest thing from a doctor or medical professional. I’m someone who takes a great deal of interest in my health and feeling the best I can. I’m not here to provide hard data or remedies; I’m writing this to shed light on something that’s not talked about often enough. I believe awareness is the first step when seeking any kind of positive change.
With all that, let’s talk about menopause.
What is perimenopause and why do I feel crazy?
A woman is officially in menopause when a full year has passed since experiencing a menstrual cycle. As a young woman who was only warned that “menopause sucks” with no further details or wisdom offered (as is the case for most women, I would venture to guess), I would have thought that menopause was like a light switch where the ability to conceive goes from power on to power off.
Ha. If only it were that simple.
About five years ago, the term perimenopause entered my life. Perimenopause consists of many years of symptoms in the lead-up to menopause. Unlike men, whose testosterone levels slowly decline over many years, women’s hormones go through much more dramatic fluctuations. And, as I understand it, those fluctuations contribute to a long list of seemingly unrelated symptoms: hot flashes, mood swings, fatigue, insomnia, hair thinning, joint pain, cognitive decline, heart palpitations, migraines, appetite increase or decrease, and a decline in the ability to cope with stress, to name just a few. It’s mind-boggling and quite overwhelming—especially when many doctors don’t even seem to be all that educated on the subject.
The overarching fact made known in all the podcasts I’ve listened to and books I’ve read is that menopause research has been gravely lacking until recent years. Apparently, it wasn’t until the ’90s that women were widely included in medical studies of any kind. Thankfully, a wealth of new information is coming to light now that menopause is beginning to get the attention it deserves. So, it makes total sense why I was never taught anything about it, nor was my mom, and most definitely not her mom. And who else do women have to go to for life’s most vulnerable and intimate physical changes than their mothers? It’s no wonder my forty-something friends and I are caught in a similar headspace of, “WTF is going on in my body?”
Not only do women experience a variety of random symptoms that don’t feel obviously linked to perimenopause, but on top of it, there’s this vague but intrusive feeling of going crazy. “I don’t feel like myself” is probably the most common description I have for how I feel, and yet that hardly sounds like a medical condition that needs addressing. I find myself asking all the time what I even mean by that. Other questions that plague me on a regular basis are, “Am I being dramatic?” “Am I crazy?” “Am I making this up?” “Do I need to take more control of my attitude?” I ask myself these questions because I can go from being completely fine to completely unstable in a matter of minutes. It’s alarming, disorienting, exhausting, and confusing. The most discouraging thought of all is when I relent and think, maybe this is just what it means to get older.
Navigating perimenopause mood swings
Of all the symptoms that can be experienced during perimenopause, the mood swings are what freak me out the most. I can understand how a woman would turn her life upside down in an attempt to feel better—how a woman may believe that changing her life in some monumental way is what is needed. When, in reality, it’s impossible to outrun what’s happening internally. Trying to recognize the difference between an external problem that can be solved and an internal biological issue that may require medical intervention feels impossible.
So, what are we to do? How do we make it to the other side intact?
These are the questions I’m asking myself a lot lately. What I’m concluding at this stage in the journey is that white-knuckling it isn’t the answer. Support is necessary, and sometimes, so is medical intervention. For me, talking about it is imperative. It’s how I find support and it’s how I stand any chance at making sense of what’s happening. I talk about it with all my girlfriends, and most importantly, I talk about it openly and regularly with Mark.
The toll of hormones on marriage and relationships
Mark and I have a rock-solid marriage. Our partnership is the greatest gift I’ve been given in life. And yet, this life transition is so disruptive that I find myself fearing that I’ll push him away. I have no doubt we’ll get through it, but I share that fear to express just how severe things can feel for a woman in this stage of life. And that’s why talking openly with your spouse, I feel, is so important. If I can hardly comprehend what’s happening in my body, then I most definitely can’t expect Mark to understand or offer support without me verbally expressing how I’m feeling.
If you’re in a relationship with a middle-aged woman, this is the time to exercise understanding, patience, and compassion like never before. And if you’re a woman riding this roller coaster, the same goes for you. You not only need to cultivate a great deal of patience and compassion for yourself but also for your partner. He or she may not be experiencing what you are, but they’re on the roller coaster too, by extension. If there’s anything more confusing than navigating perimenopause, it’s probably living with someone going through perimenopause. Try not to let your partner become the dumping ground for your every frustration and grievance. Ask for support, ask for space, ask for patience. Say out loud when you feel like you’re unraveling rather than turning them into your unsuspecting target. Understand that sometimes our emotions have a way of directing themselves at the nearest bystander, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’ve done anything wrong.
Finding relief: My choice to try hormone therapy
When I think to myself in the most objective way, ‘I’m a mammal who is transitioning out of the ability to reproduce,’ I can see things a little more clearly. Nature is doing what nature does, and it’s not always kind. But that doesn’t mean we have to suffer or go it alone. As for me, after much deliberation, I’ve made the choice to try hormone replacement therapy (HRT). Due to one flawed study some twenty years ago, hormone therapy has gotten a pretty bad rap. Luckily, many studies are now showing how beneficial it can be. The first-hand accounts I’ve heard from friends who have had immensely positive experiences with HRT are profoundly encouraging. I’m hopeful that relief is not just in my future but for so many women. And not just because of hormone therapy, but because we’re finally starting to talk as a society and study this thing that has long been neglected.
I hesitate to put this out into the world, for I hardly am seeking attention or pity. But, if just one woman finds comfort in what I’ve shared, then it was entirely worth it. To any woman in or entering her 40s, I wish you and your loved ones the best of luck.
If you’re open to sharing how menopause has impacted your life, I’d love to see you in the comments.
I learned first-hand that not every OB/GYN is well-educated on menopause. My very own doctor made me feel like I was crazy, that’s when I knew it was time to find someone else. It is so important to be your own advocate. If your doctor is dismissing your concerns, they’re not the right doctor for you. To find a doctor who specializes in menopause, check out www.menopause.org.
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